Moz is a total LEGEND! From his brilliant early days in The Smiths to his contemporary role as the super cool elder statesemen of rock, the bequiffed Mancunian genius has always been AMAZING! Let's ask the legend some questions! Moz, why are you so great? Well, what you're really asking there of course is why these vile idiots Bush and Blair continue to slaughter animals? Would they slaughter their own children? I think not. So why do we have these stupendously barbaric leaders? I feel very sorry for the people of Iraq, the animals of Iraq and, of course, myself. Sock it to 'em Moz! With his Wildean wit and fierce intelligence, the fantastic Mancunian super poet has been spectacularly setting the world to rights and generally just being really COOL for years! He might be as old as your dad, but he's as cool as going to Reading and taking SHROOMS! Let's ask him another question. Moz, what do you think about life and stuff? Ultimately we live in a world where deeply hideous people do deeply hideous things to animals. At every level of western governments there is an unspeakably evil desire to rape and kill animals - the three B's, Bush, Blair and Bernard Matthews run joyously amok amongst rivers of the fourth b - blood. WOW, you said it Moz!
Throughout his career, Moz has written these really COOL sexually ambigous lyrics and stuff like that. He is the mercurial master of Mancunian mysterious misanthropic misery who has kept the world guessing about his sexuality and stunned us into total respect for the AWESOMENESS that is the Mozfather! Let's ask him about that. Moz, are you gay? Throughout my career people have tried to pin me down on this issue. But why should I make public declarations about my sexuality? Who else is forced to? Do Bush and Blair have to publicly declare that they are barbarous murderers? Of course not. Do judges and police officers have to publicly admit to their brutal victimisation of me? No. The hounding I've been subjected to by the press is a symptom of the human bloodlust that leads to the persecution of millions of ducks every year. But Moz, in your beath-takingly brilliant new album Ringleader Of The Tormentors, which sees you back to your inimitable, uniquely English and irresistably cool best, you sing lots of lyrics that sound like they're about bumming fellas. I cannot influence how other people choose to interpret the words I write - what would be the point in trying to correct all the fascinating misconceptions people seem to have about me? As long as we live in a world where children are fed corpses, I will always be misunderstood.
Too right, Moz! We at NME totally agree with everything you say! His new collection of riotous Roman rockers and tectonically terrific torch songs will impress you so much that you'll be posting pictures of the Mozfather on your myspace for weeks!! Produced by legendary legend Tony Visconti, former collaborator of jizz-inducingly heavy rock 'n' roll name to drop, David Bowie, the new Moz album is FUCKING COOL, and has already inspired a healthy dollop of verbose bummage from Paul Morley in the Observer! So Moz, why is your new album so brilliant? Well, of course, all my albums are exquisite, although I concede that this one is the best, since I've just made it and it's the one I'm currently trying to flog. But yes, really, all my albums are masterpieces - whether they are publicly received as such or not simply depends on the extent to which the press and legal system are victimising me at the time. Of course, when Maladjusted was released, the NME hated me and was trying to sabotage my career.
Oh, shit, what's that?! Some kind of apparition just appeared in the room! It's claiming to be the ghost of Charles Shaar-Murray! It can't be, Charles Shaar-Murray is still alive! But it's insistent! Its telling me I should say, "I don't think you needed any help sabotaging your career when you released Maladjusted." No, I can't! I won't! Can't rock the boat. Must be nice to Moz. We love Moz. We love everything. Everything is positive. Take deep breaths. God, I wish I was on myspace. Everything is better on myspace. That fit bird left me two comments and everything. Think about the fit bird. Think about doing coke with her at V and shagging her in a tent after telling her I can get us backstage with the Kaiser Chiefs. Focus on that. Keep that in mind. Ok, ok, I can do this, I'm back...
Well that's all in the past because we love you now, Moz! You're rock's super cool elder statesman who blows our minds with all the deep stuff you say! We can't wait for you to tour this summer, so we can come to your gigs and chant "Morr-iss-ey Morr-iss-ey Morr-iss-ey!" like a football crowd! Are you looking forward to it? Absolutely. To play live is really the only means by which I can exist as a human being. It is absolutely essential for me to present myself for public consumption, as it were, on a regular basis. It's only a shame that the supermarkets seem to feel the same way about meat. Morrissey delivers this deliciously waspish witticism as he knocks back his twenty eighth Guinness of the day, proving that the God-like singer is not as miserable as popular opinion would have us believe. Mozzer's fondness for alcoholic beverages and tendency to spend time in sunny places like LA and Rome obliterate the stereotypical image of the bitter old bard, and prove beyond all doubt that he is deliriously happy and just wants to read NME and go on myspace like the rest of us normal people! The Mozmeister says, In my twenties I was very hard on myself and lived an appallingly inhibited existence. These days I just want to drink and hang around with boxers and write overtly sexual lyrics.
YEAH! That's what we're talking about! WOO! Morrissey, is back, more fantastically, brilliantly, awesomely, divinely talented and amusing and downright cool than ever - go and buy his new album immediately, even if it does have the same acronym as supremely daft mid-nineties first-person shooter game, Rise Of The Triad.
